48 Days Work

Questions

Chapter 1

  1. Who gave you your first job? What kind of job was it? How much money did you make?
    1. TJ Maxx gave me my first job. It was retail and I was a cashier. I think i made $8 an hour and i earned about $1-2 thousand. 
  2. From looking at your work life so far, what has been of the greatest value or worth?
    1. What has been of the greatest value to me has been the income and the ability to be independent from my parents, and the skills I’ve been able to apply to my own personal life. (banking helped my personal finances and ability to do my own taxes, legal system helped with getting more comfortable with calling and depending on police).What i have also valued is seeing how my other coworkers live and spend their money. 
  3. If your job changes, does your purpose change?
    1. if my job changes, my purpose does not change. I don’t have a purpose. 
  4. Do you think your current job will exist five years from now?
    1. no – not this one. I could be a secretary or assistant to someone else. 
  5. What would be the key characteristics of an ideal job or career?
    1. If it’s an office job, then flexibility. 
    1. It it’s a time clock job, like a cashier or a nurse, then really high paying to make up for the lack of flexibility. 
    1. coworkers who aren’t lazy.
    1. make enough money to save for retirement
  6. when you daydream, what do you see yourself doing?
    1. being competent, and completing tasks efficiently – i honestly don’t see the hard work behind the scenes stuff, I basically see myself in a position as what is in reality probably only attainable by a 55 year old accomplished person who knows what to do and knows how to problem solve. I see myself not being nervous anymore. 
  7. what have been the happiest, most fulfilling moments in your life?
    1. when my siblings spend time with me
    1. getting work done for other people swiftly
    1. having my own apartment and cleaning it
  8. if nothing changed in your life in the next 5 years, would that be ok?
    1. it would be ok, it wouldn’t be great though. 

Chapter 2

  • Respond to the statement, “all progress requires change, but not all change is progress.”
    • i believe it’s true and that I don’t do it. If i change anything, it’s not really anything that helps me. It’s something i am very aware of in my life. I joined all those sports teams and music because I wanted to change my life and be successful, and all i did was bounce around and spending energy learning the basics of new things instead of excelling at one thing. Same thing with city light and all the other shit at church. 
  • What statement describes your career path so far?
    • unfocused and not about career success. it has been about getting a short-term unsustainable lifestyle of independence from my parents. 
  • how has a company change affected you? How did it make you feel?
    • when bosses, higher ups leave, i feel betrayed since I feel like i give them undue credit and allegiance and I do things for them, not for me. I do things to support their reputation, not mine. I made it personal, and I really shouldn’t have. 
  • Have you experienced any failure in your career? If so, what did it lead to?
    • I feel like i failed in not being able to thrive and be comfortable around others in banking, especially professionally. It lead to me quitting. 
    • i failed in not being bold enough to get other higher paying positions. It led to me feeling sad.
  • what were your childhood goals and ambitions for life? Which ones have you been able to fulfill?
    • my childhood goals were to be a detective or an author. to be financially middle class and stable and debt free. 
  • Who are 2 or 3 people you know who seem to have accomplished their dreams? What do you remember about their accomplishments.
    • I think the two bank executives accomplished their dreams. They just had the gumption to shoot high and made people have confidence in them.
  • What do you imagine your retirement will be like?
    • I don’t imagine retirement. I don’t imagine I’ll be able to retire unless I’m forced to because of poor health or not being skilled enough to be worthy of employment.

Chapter 3

  1. In today’s rapidly changing work environment, is it realistic to expect a job to provide more than just a paycheck?
    1. No
  2. Have you ever had a sense of calling in your life? How did you hear that calling?
    1. I had a sense that I was to do all things in consideration of what God wanted.
  3. Does God only call a few people?
    1. no
  4. Is it reasonable to expect our work to be part of the fulfillment of our calling?
    1. No. I think work is just a way to make money now. I have no hope it can fulfill anything else in me.
  5. Do you currently have a job, a career, or a vocation?
    1. I have a job only. I thought I could have a career or a vocation.
  6. What does success mean for you this year?
    1. Success means I either get a new skill or I’m in an education program learning something new
    1. I get a higher paying job
    1. I’m out of reading
    1. I’m at new church
  7. Are you where you thought you’d be at this stage of life?
    1. No, I didn’t think id be
      1. in reading
      1. a secretary
      1. living paycheck to paycheck
      1. hating the poor people around me
      1. embarrassed by my job
  8. Do you go home at night with a sense of meaning, purpose, and accomplishment?
    1. I go home glad I didn’t do anything wrong at my job. I am not happy to be home and I usually go right to bed.
  9. If you want different results next year, what will you change in what you are doing now?
    1. I’d change anything, but I usually don’t make the right decisions and I change the wrong stuff.

Chapter 4

  • Are you a goal setter? Do you typically set goals at the first of the year? If not, why not?
    • I am not a goal setter. I get stressed out at having to work to achieve the weight loss goals. I have no other goals and anything I want I don’t think I can achieve or I don’t think I’m able to achieve.
  • How would you describe your current focus on work?
    • I like my job and was for a long time really looking at ways to make it more efficient for everyone. I can’t see a way to make it better than it is for anyone.
  • What hobbies do you have? What other skills and interests do you have?
    • I like singing and reading about God and watching shows based in the middle east.
    • Skills? – organizing and hard work
    • Interests? – I am interested in organizing and efficiency and bible reading
  • How are you involved in your community?
    • I help with deeper still
    • I pray outside planned parenthood
    • I’m part of the church choir
    • I invite other friends to gateway
  • What was your father’s or mother’s attitude toward work and how has that affected you?
    • My parents thought making a lot of money was important and that I should get lots of degrees in things they could see as useful. My wish for a degree in psychology was questioned. He only thought I should do law school or get an mba and do investment banking or do something that could make a lot of money.
    • My mom had no input because she doesn’t work and married someone with a lot of money.

Chapter 5

  • In what kind of settings are you most comfortable?
    • I’m most comfortable in a setting where I can communicate with people by email or if I know what I’m going to say and what the other person will say
  • How do you respond to management?
  • How would you manage people?
  • Are you better working with people, things, or ideas?
  • Are you more analys

Envy and Jealousy Work

Unraveling my mind after Robert Clancey teaching on jealousy.

” Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.

Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joy-and-pain/201401/what-is-the-difference-between-envy-and-jealousy%3famp

Jealousy is: feeling resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages.fearful of losing what one has to another.

Envy: discontented desire or resentment aroused by another’s possessions, achievements, or advantages.

Coveting is wanting earnestly something that is not yours.

This causes me to want something which God will not give me when I want it. This causes me to want something outside the will of God. ☹️. This causes me to be displaced and go for the lesser rather than the greater.

Envy leads to hatred and hatred leads to murder.

Envy causes me to be unable to rejoice with another.

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord.

Do not envy the wicked, do not desire their company.

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/when-envy-turns-deadly

Jesus was killed out of envy

Jealousy and envy cause a fear of losing something. They cause me to be suspicious and then cause me to have untrue imaginations.

We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God. We capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One. – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Father forgive me for being envious. Father you gave me certain attributes and I love them and accept them. You gave other people different attributes and that was your decision. I’m sorry for being ungrateful.

God you didn’t make any mistakes.

You didn’t a mistake when you gave me my parents.

I will no longer entertain thoughts of comparison to others. I repent for doing so.

Jealousy and envy cause division. Jealousy and envy stir the pot.

I will not allow jealousy and envy to enter my heart anymore.

I am a friend of God and I like his ideas and ways for me and for others.

I will not allow jealousy and envy to stop me from operating in my anointing.

Teach me to praise others and lift others up.

You are the only one who can be jealous, and you are jealous for us.

  1. Father forgive me for being envious of my mom because she’s pretty.
  2. Father forgive me for being envious of my mom because she married a doctor and doesn’t have to work.
  3. Father forgive me for being envious of my mom because her marriage is good.
  4. Father forgive me for being envious of my mom because she’s peaceful
  5. forgive me for being envious of my mom because she’s skinny.
  6. God, thank you for forgiving me for my envy and dishonor towards my mom. Thank you for blessing me with my mom. Thank you for giving her to me. Thank you for her life. I ask you to bless her in the name of your son Jesus who died for my jealousy of my mom. I receive a new life and a new relationship with my mom. I receive your eyes for her.
  7. God, I repent, and turn from, envying my sister for being prettier and calmer than me. I envied her because she wasn’t the oldest. God I ask you bless her and have her thrive in your kingdom. God I ask you to bless her life. God thank you for helping her get degrees and for having her be healthy. Thank you for having her be my friend and be good in school.
  8. God I have envied my dad. I was jealous of his life, his brain, his job, his satisfaction of his life. I was jealous because he was happy. God please forgive me for being jealous of my dad. God please bless my dad and his marriage and his work and his retirement.
  9. God I envied my cousin because she was skinny and got awarded for getting good grades and got into better schools than me. God please forgive me for not being able to celebrate my cousin and for not being happy with what you gave me and for not being happy for what you did for her. You are God and I am not. I repent for believing that my worth was tied to the ivy leagues accepting her. My worth is determined by the Messiah paying for my sins, including my sin of envy, by dying. God you didn’t make a mistake by giving me my parents and you didn’t make a mistake by giving her her parents.
  10. God I was envious of men who were allowed to be good at things.
  11. Envy you have no more room in my life.

Reasons I chose to be celibate

I knew doing what “guys” wanted was stopping me from doing what I wanted.

I wanted a husband. I wanted an education. I wanted a thriving career.

And every second I wasted with a man, texting him, getting the booty call logistics worked out, buying cute clothes, getting my bedroom ready, shaving, buying birth control before or after, was a huge waste of time.

Female pornography addict

I started using Pornography as a way to numb my loneliness, my frustration, and my low self esteem.

It was introduced to me through books. As a young woman who liked reading, I would occasionally read a book that would have a romance or kissing scene in it.

In elementary school, when I would take a book out of the library that would have some sort of sex scene in it, I remember telling the librarians. I assumed they hadn’t read all of the books and just didn’t know there was something in appropriate in it. I’m not sure how I knew it was not age appropriate and how I knew that the line had been crossed with that content. My parents were not particularly strict, and despite the stereotype of how the church approaches sex in a condemning fashion, I have no recollection of anyone from church ever talking about sex or sexual behavior. Is it something innate in humans? Is it innate to perceive sex as something intimate and special for two people?

As I grew up and continued reading books and stopped snitching on content to librarians, especially as some classic literature had sex scenes, I grew very curious about sex and pursued books with sex scenes and would reread them.

The internet in the early 2000s was not as controlled, for better or worse. Pop-ups were common. I remember seeing ads for pornography sites or sites for cheating. I remember seeing emails from people graphically describing sex. I also remember seeing certain sex websites in my family’s web history. And I remember telling my mom. I didn’t know who it was in my family who was looking at it, but I left that in my mom’s hands.

I, however, by 12 years old, kept pursuing erotic literature and pursued it online. I was being careful about reading it and looking at it. I became sneaky. I would copy and paste the stories, and then put it in word document and save it like it was a school project so no one would find it. Sometimes, I would print it out and hide the papers of the stories under my bed.

Again, why was I so ashamed? How did I know it was something private and not to be shared or open about? It must be innate, really.

It wasn’t until high school, that I found pictures and then videos and would watch them instead of reading stories. Again, I knew how to clear our computers’ search history so that enabled me to look, feel ashamed, and then delete evidence of it. I couldn’t delete what my mind was seeing, fantasizing, and growing numb to, however. Deleting the search history does not erase past actions or the effects of my actions.

I started to look at pornography first out of curiosity and then out of boredom. As the years went on, I looked at it as a way to escape the growing rejection I was sensing as a larger woman in society.

It really became apparent to me in high school that being taller, more muscular, and twenty pounds overweight meant I was “second class.” I felt ashamed and felt embarrassed often that I was not attractive to men. I believed it was my responsibility, as a woman, to be attractive to men. I didn’t want to cause men to have a negative reaction to me. I didn’t want them to make fun of me or say anything mean about me.

So, I spent a lot of time worrying about my clothes, trying to suck in my stomach, joining sports teams not to win or play the sport, but just to lose weight and be attractive.

I started to really yearn and want what I saw and read in pornography in my own life. I wanted to be attractive to men, and have them react favorably to me like they do in the stories.

I used pornography to escape my life.

I used pornography to escape the rejection I felt from society’s expectations on women.

I used pornography to escape the rejection I felt from my male classmates.

I used pornography to escape from my negative thoughts about myself.

I used pornography to escape from my loneliness.

I used pornography to escape from the shame I felt from looking at pornography.

I used pornography for years before I actually became sexually active.

And then once my boyfriend stopped having sex with me, I continued to use pornography to escape the confusion I felt at his decision.

I used pornography to relax and distract myself from school.

And honestly, it was all just a huge waste of my time, looking back. But i didn’t know how to get help for my anxiety and low self esteem. Pornography just extended my problems and covered them up. It didn’t help anything.

After having an abortion, I really saw how having sex and watching pornography was not benefiting anything in my life.

It wasn’t getting me the things I really wanted, which were spiritual peace and mental peace and physical peace.

I had a hard time stopping, though. Watching pornography had been a safe space for me. It was my reaction to a lot of normal human feelings: anger, rejection, frustration, depression, low self esteem. I had to, one by one, start choosing other ways to handle each different trigger.

I realized also in that period that I wanted to become celibate. I saw that I had a hard time being celibate if I was looking at pornography. So, after a disastrous 24 hours when I drunkenly had sex with a strange man while I was “talking” regularly with another man, who was so infuriated that he also demanded to have sex with me after I confessed my “cheating,” I really just gave up.

I couldn’t fight my sexual urges anymore. I wish I could explain it better than this, but I can’t. In giving up the fight and not fighting, I was able to stop having sex and stop using pornography. I am not a woman who can “dabble in it” with balance. “If you can’t have one, have none.” That’s me.

So I avoid sex and pornography, and my triggers and I’ve been free now for years.

I don’t go to bars anymore, I don’t hang out with people who have casual sex. I don’t watch movies with sex scenes. I don’t watch music videos with graphic scenes. When it comes up unexpectedly, it honestly doesn’t interest me anymore.

It’s only if I indulge in too much alcohol, or watch one too many videos, that the old patterns mentally and physically start to come back.

But honestly, I’ve stopped lying to myself about thinking “I can handle it. I can handle him coming over; we won’t have sex. I can handle watching that music video; it won’t affect me. I can read that erotic story, it won’t take me back.” It’s all a lie, and I know it. I can’t handle it, so I make God handle it.

I do my part, which is not drink with coworkers or old friends.

I do my part which is not click on old beats I used to dance to.

I do my part, which is walk out of the room when my family is watching a movie with a sex scene.

I do my part, which is block my ex’s numbers.

I do my part, which is not Google pornography stories or pornography sites.

It’s not about me making judgements on other people. It’s just me taking care of me. No other human is going to do that for me.

I do my part and I demand in return that God purify my heart and comfort me instead of me trying to comfort myself, which is really just numbing myself instead of me facing my problems.

He does. It’s uncharted territory for me still in many ways to let God deal with me His way. He does amazing things that I don’t expect He’ll do every single time I cry out to Him. He never helps me the way I expect, but He ALWAYS does.

After it being a part of my life from the ages of 12 and 27, I haven’t looked at pornography in two years and eight months.

I don’t miss it and I’ve had such a better life without it.

Abortion

I had an abortion at 23. It was a terribly life altering experience that did not serve me as a college-educated, fully-employed young woman.

If you are considering having an abortion, the despair and destruction are not worth not being a single mom, or are not worth the embarrassment you may feel, and are not worth your parents kicking you out of the house.

Abortion will not make anything in your life better.

The temporary relief is not worth the years of shame, anger, and depression you will feel.

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